This is a response to a need on twitter. It is couched in gendered terms as a means of satire against the lists created for “women” on the internet. TERFs are not welcome here.
Of course, any abled person can wield these weapons, and many are adaptable for those in wheelchairs. People who use crutches are advised to use poison against enemies instead.
The Hunga Munga ROCKS!
There is a scene in Buffy where a little white girl uses it but this beeyatch is african through and through. It can be used to cut through dense jungle undergrowth and your enemies. Best of all? It’s a frickin’ throwing weapon too. You can hurl it at their retreating backs after they think they’ve won an argument by being supremacist and snotting off in a strop!
The Long Bow is a stone cold classic.
Developed by the welsh (booyah), particularly by welsh mercenaries and the southern kingdoms, it could pierce plate armour, fire for 600 yards at high accuracy, and have three rounds of ammunition in the air at once.
It is problematic for big boobs, though, as you can only pull to half draw.
The Indigenous American flatbow is a great alternative, as it is lighter and easier to use on horseback.
The crossbow was invented both by the chinese and the genoese (but given Genoa’s command of trade at the time, it’s possible they just nicked the idea and told Europe they’d invented it). Using a mechanism to fire it requires less training than the longbow. Some versions even have a winch to make loading the darn thing easier so you don’t need uber strength to get a bolt in there.
There are hand held versions these days that fit beautifully in one’s handbag.
The Dirk is an awesome weapon. It’s pretty! Look at that nice sharp blade and elegant but understated handle!
The dirk is a great defensive weapon since it can be disguised in a long skirt or floofy sleeve but the long blade cuts deep, seeking out internal organs and sliding past ribs and through muscle.
Best places are under the armpit while hugging or into the femural arteries while being forced to your knees.
The Quarterstaff or Bowstaff are both excellent weapons. Traditionally associated with Little John as a weapon of strength, it actually takes a lot of skill to wield effectively. Katas are a must.
And I didn’t want to not credit but there are loads of pictures of Critical Role character Beauregard using her bowstaff and it is AWESOME.
If you have the dexterity, this is one for you!
While the southern welsh kingdoms were developing the bow, the northerners stuck to the old Briton weapon – the Javelin.
Up close it could be used like a bowstaff, but the plan was to throw it during a charge, and then retrieve it for close quarters combat.
Additionally, after a battle the points could be retrieved and affixed to other staves. So this weapon is thrifty AND recyclable!
Short swords are a blast.
The ambidexstrous among you can even dual wield in your duels. Smart and varied, the short sword doesn’t wear you down before you get to fighting, but still packs a heft thanks to that flat, wide blade.
Don’t forget they can be used defensively too, blocking incoming blows from your enemies.
The Khopesh is the most beautiful weapon ever and I will fight you on this. That scythe-like blade (often in bronze because of the era it was designed) and a horn or wooden handle, it all screams class.
Your enemies will envy your style, I promise you, if you come at them with this ancient Egyptian beauty!
The Flail (often confused with the Mace), is an elegant weapon when used right and a bit of a menace to the beginner. Often light-weight to make switching weapons on horseback easier, it is also therefore not going to slow your charge.
The spikes pierce, and the ball bludgeons, but the speed of your strike should keep the swing going around for the follow through, so you shouldn’t have to yank it out of too many skulls.
But the best weapon for the lady of today to smite her enemies is the mutha-truckin’ war chariot. How could you do better than to emulate Boudicca herself? (Well… I mean Ameridas actually won against the romans…but i digress)
Blades on the wheels to cut through their legs, archers on the back, and horses trained for battle. The javelin makes a great combo with this utter winner of a weapon.